Divorce and your children

Divorce

A look back at the effects of divorce on a child who is now a man 30 years later

                That’s right. I’m 45 now and know the effects of what happens to your children when you go through a divorce. Oh, it doesn’t occur overnight and some kids handle it in different ways, but there ARE going to be issues that arise. Don’t let anybody tell you different. Now I’m not saying that anyone should stay in a totally wrong relationship for the sake of the kids. However, if you have kids and the both of  you have not made at least a commitment to counseling to try and work it out then you are rolling the dice on your children’s lives. You may roll seven or eleven, and that child adjusts and moves on through life with a bare minimum of resentment toward one or both of you. You may roll craps and that kid tries to plug the hole in their life that used to be their family by acting out, getting into trouble with the law, or turning to alcohol or drugs.

                I base my observations for this article on my father’s family of two other brothers and one sister. They were a tight nit group and myself being the oldest grandchild remember several “family vacations”. All of them would get together with the kids in tow and they would rent a beach house or meet at their parent’s house for a week long summer or Christmas celebration. Man, I loved those times! I would get to see my cousins that lived in other states, hang out, laugh and tell stories. We all couldn’t wait for the next summer to get back together.  Of course as the oldest, my memory may be a little better or possibly hazier on those times, but I do remember that I enjoyed seeing them. Three of the four siblings went through the divorce process and while I can’t answer for the other two sets of cousins, I’m pretty sure that there were issues. I can only tell you for sure what I thought and went through.

As the divorces occurred, the summer and Christmas gatherings began to dissipate. I don’t think that we were all together again at one time after I was 12 or 13. Perhaps the youngest cousin may not even remember those times. The last time we were all together was at our Grandmother’s 90^th birthday celebration and I was 37. I wish I had talked seriously with all of them to find about how they had handled their parents’ divorce, but I did not. If I remember correctly we filled up the bathtub in a motel room with beer and booze and hung out watching a Damon Wayans comedy special.

What would I want to know? I would want to know how they handled their world changing. I would ask what they did to cope with their dad and mom arguing in front of them to the point of screaming at each other. Did it make them feel like they were unwanted since there dad wanted out of the relationship?  Was it my fault that my father never came back? What do I do now? What’s going to happen next? And a thousand other questions that run through a kids mind. I know that these are rhetorical questions and hardly matter now 30 years later, but the answers would still be interesting to know how they handled it and how they felt.

So you see what kind of affects divorce has on the mind of a child. (I was 14 or 15 at the time) You should know that dealing with those kinds of questions and having to deal with a new reality for the first time in a young life, without parental guidance as one parent is gone and the other is mentally a little distracted, is an open door for all kinds of things to enter the picture. There are all sorts of things out there to experiment with and let me tell you, a lot of people waiting for you to not be involved with your child so they can step in. Whether it is something sexual, cultish, or to gain another customer for what they are selling, someone or something will fill the hole left from what they had always known their whole life. I turned to drugs and stayed high for almost 14 years! Only by the prayers of my mother, grandmother, and the grace of almighty God kept me from either dying from the drugs, or going to prison. I had been in situations that no one should be in, especially someone that age. I have been shot at, stolen money for the buy, and dealt to pay for my own habit. (What a dumbass I was!)

Thank God I got straight, turned out alright, and made my peace with my father years ago, (Both heavenly and earthly) but you should know that if you are contemplating a divorce and you have kids…. Think it through. Try the counseling first. If it doesn’t work out, then be adults and make a solid plan on how you are going to handle the emotional and mental issues your kid or kids are going to go through. Don’t B.S. yourself and think that they will be alright because you are going to see them from time to time and make sure they are provided for.  Do the research, don’t just come home one day with a handful of divorce papers and dump them on the table like my father did.

I’ll even help you get started. Here is a link to a website with an article that delves deeper into the subject by educated professionals that seem to be on an “even keel”. I don’t know the author or the website owner, but it seems like a good place to start. Check several places out, the web is a wonderful tool. Good luck and make the right decisions!

http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/